Revenire!

A trecut ceva timp decand nu am mai scris nimic pe bloggul meu...de atunci s-au intamplat multe in viata mea, unele mai bune altele mai rele...probabil ca nimeni nu mi-a simtit lipsa dar asta conteaza mai putin...sper sa reusesc sa scriu de acum inainte macar o data pe saptamana...sincer mi-au lipsit incursiunile mele pe blogg si chiar cei cativa amici cu care mai vorbeam....i hope i will write more soon...

My last day of work in this office!

Today is my last day of work in this office; I have to be happy but surprisingly I am not. Even if we had misunderstandings and sometimes we argued, I will miss my colleagues…today I had such a bad feeling, but I hope we will continue to speak and maybe from time to time to meet each other and don’t loose contact…I hope it will be better for me and for them too…each o them has own personality and with each I had different and special relationship…I would questionless miss them, all…

Weekend that just passed was a rainy one so a sleepy one, but Saturday I was in a friends house and at night in different clubs but we didn’t stay because for me no one was best, nothing correspond just like small clothes…so we ended our night in a garden where we drunk wine until two o’clock in the morning…In the morning my head just burst…I am trying to finish the book but I just can not, and I don’t know why?...

Resignation.

It is long time since I didn’t write, but I see nobody missed me…anyway it is time for me to tell the big secret, that sooner or later everybody will find out (two of my colleagues are not at work) I put my resignation on the table…yes I am quitting my job…these was my big secret and it not all…but I have to put the rest later…maybe some of my colleagues will be happy about this, but I don’t give a s***t on this, maybe one day I will tell them in their face everything I never said…but this is not me…and maybe one of them are really upset about this, and I tell here that if they will need my help I’ll try to do my best…and an advice: don’t believe everything is said or written, people really like to be what they aren’t…Monday is my last day of work in this firm…
What I hate the most are the people that interfere in other lives when they have to see their one lives and that see themselves as they are not, that try to be what they never can be…they pretend to be smarter and better than they are…when you are the only one that see something in a way, you can be wrong, you are one, but when everybody around see in the same way maybe they are right, the same opinion on more people, then appear a question mark :is everybody mad( against one) or is that one mad(against everybody)?...


My parents’ house was great, my nephew is with every day that passes smarter and dodger( if I forgot to tell I have a five ears old nephew, from my big brother, and I love him more than everything in this world, he is my soul, and I will love him maybe more than my own future children, and he loves me too, maybe he feels my feelings, or is just blood calling…) and makes our lives happier… but then I had bad days too, I made food intoxication, because I have health problems with my colon, so you can imagine the rest…was a full weekend and week until now, and I must confess that one of my colleagues was very surprise about my resignation decision and made me happy to see that they care about me and that they are unhappy about this…This is life!!!

Comedown!

Yesterday I was very disappointed by the “Wedding of Figaro” performance. It is true when it is said that the player has the important part in a performance; on the outside programme wrote that the countess player will be performed by Roxana Briban, but when the performance start was no Roxana, and the players just hurt my ears and give me a headache. Maybe I am evil now but the performance sucked, was so bad that when the first break come we left the auditorium. We were so upset that we went to drink something in a garden (I drunk a Tequila Sunrise …yamiii!)

My colleague of work said to me that I am very secretive and I am acting like: I just show the candy and I give to people only the candy glaze to taste…maybe she’s right but for now I can’t tell more than that, but soon you’ll find out…

This evening I’ll go home, my parents home, to see them and to speak with my mother, I will put fire in my head 6 hours by train until I reach there, it is very important to go home…so no complain…

I am reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez book “A Century of Loneliness” and I must say that this book surprise me with every page I read, is so strange, and I read it until the end only to see how far a mind can go, not because I like it, or maybe I like it but I don’t know ?....

I know is early to say but I wish you all a nice and happy weekend!!!

Weekend!!!

Friday I was with an ex university colleague to see a movie, we saw Miss Congeniality 2, a nice comedy. We talked about other colleague of us, the news about them and about our life now, we ate an ice-cream and then we went to our homes. She remain the same, like I know her from university times, and annoys me the people that don’t give a sh..t on their life. If until now she knew only university and home, now she knows only work an home…boring…she works like a slave until late hours in the night and never thinks on her private life, on the pleasures of life, like she will live 2 or 3 lives…but what I know, everybody with his one life…
Saturday morning on 7.00 o’clock I was leaving my flat with the intention to go to Brasov, outside was pouring and I wanted to sleep. When I reached on my cousin (A) house, I found her swearing me that I woke her up so early and told me that she didn’t want to go anymore, I want to kill her…from this motive we didn’t leave Bucharest until 9.20, and we get nervous in Mc Donald’s because their services sucks, maybe they were sleeping on their feet more than us he he he!!!...All our way until there rained, and we wondered if it is right to go…but we decided to continue our itinerary…DON’T GIVE UP! Was our slogan…In Brasov (Cristiana) we spent a long time, until 7.00 PM o’clock, in a house of A friends, and they didn’t want to let us go back. They have a big and wonderful house, I was impressed! And they are very hospitable. Our cousins desperately waited us to come in Ploiesti, but we got there on 9.00 o’clock and we started a super party until 4.00 o’clock in the morning, and I must say I get dizzy after 2 pony of a drink that my aunt(R) brought from U.S.A(hmmm…the drink was delicious) …
I felt asleep with the thought that our barbeque planned for Sunday was compromised because of the weather, but in the morning when I opened my eyes the sun was shining and all day was like that. The barbeque gathered together about 25 people, friends and relatives, and was a great day; we still dance…even if the weekend started disastrous it ended lovely…
A new week began!!!

Happy!!!!

The Easter Holiday is past now, but for me is still present. Why? From those days my life changed. I must say I am in LOVE!!! I love a man in a way I never do it before! I know my life will change, will be different. I don’t want to confess everything because I think the spell will brake down but I promise to write everything when the next level of our life will be completed. I fell like I am floating, like nothing has sense without him like the whole world is on my feet… I am so HAPPY!!! The rest nothing matters…in this weekend I will go to Brasov(at the mountain) with other cousin of mine(A) and than to my cousin in Ploiesti to make a barbeque and have some fun…everything comes from the inside, if we are happy inside of us everything will look like this in the outside…

And I forgot to say: “Swan Lake” was absolutely divine – no comment.

Next week I will go to see two performances: “Baiadera” by Ludwig Minkus and “Le Nozze di Figaro” by W.A. Mozart.

I start another book to read: Henri Francois Rey “Player pianos”

…In case it comes up today, don't forget: Every end is actually a beginning. Really, it's true. So if something seems to be over before it even got started, that just means its making room for something better.
Yes, that 'slam' is the sound of a door closing, but it's true that another one always opens…

Pavel Corut "Ne-om intalni in cer"

"... Cel mai cumplit frig nu este cel al iernii. Cel mai cumplit frig e cel din suflet, cand moare dragostea si speranta...
...I-ar fi srutat si urma pasilor, si ultimul capat de vesmant...
...Trecutul apasa ca un mort de care nu trebuie sa pomenesti dar despre care nu te poti minti ca nu exista...
...In dragoste, fiecare isi ia licenta si doctoratul pe cont propriu, fara a plagia. Nu pentru ca n-ar vrea. Nu se poate. Fiecare poveste de dragoste in parte este un unicat, impsibil de copiat sau imitat...
...Acesta e avantajul barbatilor: se pot lecui mai usor, cu o alta femeie. In cazul femeilor, procedeul nu da rezultate decat rareori. Au o constructie mai complicata, cu inclinatii psiho-sentimentale mai profunde...
...N-o sa ma impiedice nimic. Nici macar sentimentele. Sunt prea saraca pentru a-mi permite luxul unor sentimente(Luciana)...

Ploua cu stele peste noi,
Ardeam in ele goi si sfinti,
Sub mangaierea blandei ploi,
Noi ne visam strabuni, parinti.

Dar astrul ploi' a asfintit,
Pribegi il cautam prin Cer,
Eu n-am ramas, tu m-ai mintit,
Iar intre noi, pustiu si ger...
---------------------------------
Cu bratele intinse,
Eu vreau sa ma primesti,
Caci vom intra in vise
Si-om deveni povesti.

Aceasta ne e soarta,
S-ajungem semn de flamuri,
Caci vom deschide poarta
Si pacea intre neamuri...
--------------------------------
...Iubirea mea,
In lumea noastra, traim o singura viata si aceea foarte scurta. Mi-am dorit s-o traiesc cu tine si pentru tine. N-ai vrut sau n-ai putut. Nu-ti port pica si te iubesc inainte. Asa a fost soarta mea. N-ai fost una din sirul de femei care au trecut prin viata mea. Ai fost si ai ramas Ea, unica, fara rivala. Poate ca mai tarziu, cand vei suferi ca mine, vei intelege ce-am vrut sa-ti spun. Iti doresc fericire in viata! Eu nu te voi deranja niciodata. Cand vei avea nevoie de mine, sa ma cauti! Voi veni cu acelasi suflet cu care m-ai lasat.
R.
---------------------------
Sa strigi, iubito, sa te-aud,
Ca lumea noastra-i in dureri,
Ca, sub destinul rau si crud,
N-avem nici timp de invieri,
N-avem nici vreme sa iubim,
Nu vezi sperantele cum pier,
Cum inseram si asfintim?
Ne-om intalni, iubito-n Cer....

This book kept me awake until two o’clock in the morning, but I don’t regret this, was a great book. All I wrote up is from this book…I know I didn’t translate it in English but I respect very much the author and I want to write his one words, for me this seems to be fair…

The Requiem felt all my week with good thoughts and today I will go to see “Swan Lake” performance…I am waiting this hungrily! ...

I just found out that we won’t work tomorrow and Wednesday (May 3 rd) and this pleasure me because we will have a longer vacation (a long Easter) ….so for all that celebrate Easter this weekend I wishing: Happy Easter!!!

No major events

I had a great weekend I must say! In this weekend our religion had celebrate one saint (Saint Gheorghe) and Sunday of Florii, so we partied all weekend. Saturday we “walk” from a club into another (he he he!!!) and laugh and drunk and Sunday we had culture night so we went to the national Opera of Bucharest and saw the performance Requiem by Giuseppe Verdi, absolutely marvelous…
Yesterday I went on my cousin house and we chat, chat and chat a lot (he he he!!!), we ate fried potatoes and we drunk juice, was a nice evening…no major events, only fun…
I start reading another book: Pavel Corut “We will meet in the sky “

Flowers

It is so could outside like the autumn is coming and not spring, the rain gives me a fig of sleep... Everyday in my work way I get by a flower shop and the flowers are outside so they spread a lovely smell…I think then at an important question in my life: Why man bring flower to woman only at the beginning of relationship?...for me this is a big question because I prefer flowers instead of expensive gifts, I don’t ask bouquets, only one flower and is enough to make me happy. Maybe I saw to many movies where man brings flower and chocolate to woman, but I consider this to be an important thing, not everyday to bring but once in a week…the man with I spent three years from my life brought me less flowers than I remember…I like man to be spontaneous, to do unpremeditated things, to surprise me in different good ways and the most important to have initiative…
….Flowers, flowers, flowers…



“Over 1200 people were eviction and almost 2000 people are hard-hit. Water levels recorded these days of nightmare historical numbers (high water mark), especially on rivers Timis, Bega and Barzava. The proportion of disaster: 94 localities (villages, parishes, cities and municipalities) had been affected by flood; almost 12.500 hectares of land are under water; over 5.200 houses and households with annexes are flooded” like this sounds an article in a local newspaper that gave me cold trembling …

Sad things!

Yesterday when I reach to my home I opened the TV to see the news, I was just petrified to see what waters can do, in Timis, rivers go out from their channels and destroyed everything they met in their way. People lost everything they had…fireman came with wheeled tractors to help old woman and man to leave their houses and took them in shelters until the danger passes. In the middle of the village water was so high; it passes from half of a tractor wheel, everything was covered by waters…I watched and I cried for people handful…I am still thinking of this disaster…Words are needless to describe what I saw…

Funny nigth!

Last night I was in a Club (Actors Coffee House). Was Karaoke night and I spent such a great night…uuu mama! … we sang, we laughed, we dance…I had no courage to sing and I drank a martini and my cousin insisted to put us on the sing list, when we finally decided what will sing and we go to put us on the list, in front of us were a lot of people on the list…until our turn came we sang with the rest of the people and our voice hoarsen…so, when our turn came we just simply heehaw (he he he!), we had luck that was too late and the club was almost empty…for us didn’t matter… but we had such a great time…he he he!!!!...We felt so good that promised to do from this a weekly habit…So be it!…

Nice weekend !

I had a wonderful weekend…I had been with my friends (I know this girls for about 9 years but we cool down our relationships, I don’t know why but now I just want to re-establish our relationships…we had great times together in the past and it is time to have again ) and we gossiped, we played card, we walked, had barbeque and we laughed a lot…we felt so good and because of this (and their parents wont be at home next weekend) we decided to do the girls party in pajamas…I wait this impatiently…I met my cousin and we have a few drinks and I felt very good with her…this weekend I felt that I was alive again…

...”Love is like an antique vase. It is hard to find, hard to net, but easy to brake”…

“I” send me a photo with him on his new motorbike (a red Kawasaki)…he looks sexy and cool on it but really doesn’t matter for me anymore…I am happy for him because his dream comes true, but just this and nothing more…
…and another decision I had taken: never call my buddy (the one with white Tico car)…

Hardest Things in Love:

- flashing your smile to someone you don’t want to see;
- bringing back the feeling you’ve learned to forget;
- showing that you care;
- finding a way to mend a broken heart;
- learning that you’ve been used by someone you truly love;
- saying “I love you” when you mean it and when you don’t;
- letting go of a person you’ve just learned to love;
- realizing that you love somebody you’ve just taken for granted;
- realizing that you love the person you’ve just broken up with;
- waiting for promises you know he (she) will never keep;
- saying your love for someone who loves somebody else;
- reminiscing the good times you shared together;
- shielding your heart to love somebody;
- trying to hide what you really feel;
- having a commitment with someone that you know would not last;
- trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes;
- sharing the one you love with someone else;
- loving a person too much;
- giving up someone you never thought of giving up;
- falling in love for the first time;
- loving someone you haven’t seen;
- having the right love at the wrong time;
- exerting effort to make the relationship last or work;
- hiding your relationship from someone else;
- controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend;
- choosing between two persons whom you really love;
- finding out that you can never have the person you just let go of back;Seeing the person you love with someone else

New life

Today I said ENOUGH with past, with hurts, with bad thinking, with everything that made my life so miserable … today I start a new life, a life full of happiness, of joy, of good thinking…it is time for me to move on…why to hurt my hart and my feelings with things that really doesn’t matter? Why to suffer after people that they think only on them, only on their life and good? We have only ONE LIFE and this is too short to do whatever we want to do, so why I have to loose my precious time? ...TODAY IS MY RECONSTRUCTION DAY … I won’t do bad things to people but I will treat them exactly how they treat me… no more pain, no more crying nights, no more living in the past…IT IS TIME TO RESPECT MY ONE LIFE…

Amintiri

Astazi am vorbit la telefon cu cel care mi-a facut inima sa zboare, trebuie sa marturisesc ca m-am gandit mult in ultimul timp la el, mai ales ca am dat peste un CD cu fotografii facute impreuna in parc si bineinteles ca m-au rascolit...a fost singura persoana alaturi de care am vrut sa-mi petrec restul zilelor(poate ca am mai precizat asta odata)...nu a fost sa fie...este expresia cea mai potrivita atunci cand lucrurile nu stau asa cum am vrea...Mi-a spus ca maine isi va cumpara motor,ma bucur foarte mult pentru el stiu cat de mult si-a dorit acest lucru - un vis devine realitate pentru el - nu stiu de ce ma mai chinuie amintirile legate de el,ar trebui sa las trecutul si sa ma gandesc la viitor...poate ca prezentul ma face sa ma gandesc la trecut (la el),deoarece m-am speriat cand am realizat ca nu m-am simtit langa nici un barbat asa cum m-am simtit langa el...ideile,gandurile toate sunt intr-o invalmaseala totala,mintea imi este invaluita in ceata si nu vad lumina nici a unui far...viitorul nici atat...poate peste un timp am sa scriu despre fericirile mele si toate aceste lucruri vor fi ramas doar ca niste simple zile pline de amaraciune si deznadejde...POATE...
...am vorbit cu o fosta colega de facultate aseara(cu N),care mi-a spus ca a avut un accident cu masina,a incercat sa evite un caine care i-a iesit in fata si din sperietura a tras dreapta de volan si a intrat intr-un copac lovindu-se la buza si la barbie...nu a reusit sa-mi povesteasca prea multe pentru ca i se termina bateria la telefon,sper sa reusesc sa vorbesc cu ea astazi...imi pare atat de rau de ea...Numai despre accidente aud in ultima vreme,pentru ca astazi am vorbit si cu o prietena(A) care mi-a spus ca J a avut si ea accident de masina,dar ca nu are nimic grav...Multumesc lui Dumnezeu ca este totul bine,chiar ma doare cand aud astfel de vesti...

If

…If we manage to give up in five minutes on things and people without resentfulness, how good will be…but I can’t no matter how hard I try…
…these days I were very disappointed by people around me, I don’t think is fare to accuse (mistrust) someone without having a real proof …these are the people, maybe I expect to much on them, or who knows?...I get at the conclusion that in my relation with people I have to use more often the word “WHATEVER”…People always drew down misery and probably nothing or no one will stop them to do it in the future, so I just have to manage to blow off their malice…
…I start to read again books (stopped for two weeks), and this make me feel better; now I am reading Thomas Hardy – “Romance in a tower” …

…I didn’t do solecisms or I become boring? … No comment from my anonymous (bashinik)…

…if I could give up, I will be happy…

Amy Brown

Today, on the net i found an interesting site: www.amybrownart.com ...she draws divine...i liked it very much...

....Fears...

Coming Home


You are coming home at night:
you pass from light to light,
walking around the block,
and your shadow swings to the right
the way a second hand
goes round a modern clock,
and other shadows, bound
to your footsteps, climb the walls,
or jerk along the pavement,
and some contrast and darken,
others lengthen and fade.

The lights are various loves
by whom you find your way,
by whom you see and move:
they lend you guidance, they
enable you to find
not only house and door,
and wall and window-blind,
but something less and more,
your image, multiplied,
cast for your gaze, and thrown
distorted, but your own.

And what you need the most,
O walker in the night,
is to continue, sure
the self is always right,
and neither caricature,
nor unavailing ghost.

And if a light is broken,
if one of them goes out,
as well they may, of course,
and substance takes from shadow
its absolute divorce,
be reassured, in darkness,
the self is never lost.

Rolfe Humphries

...another week is ending and my weekend will be the same as other that passed, bouring and full of fears...
....maybe i am like every other woman you have ever passed on the street but never took notice of, full of new thoughts and ideas, while sometimes quiet and contemplative; I have had great losses and wonderful wins, moments I have wanted to save in time and times I'd like to forgot...

Silence

...If I were asked to name my fears one by one, I could tell them easily to an empty room with no need for any subterfuge at all. Everything inside my head would tumble out in a great big wash of words, like a river flowing from my mouth. And it would go on and on at great lengths until at last there was nothing left to say, no secrets to keep, no hurts too raw to mention, no one thing to put up its hands and stop me on my way...
...And yet I have told this empty room more times that I have ever dared to count, adding this baggage to my house, where even the walls have been taught to keep their council ... They know me far better than I would have them know me, having tasted the salt from my tears and listened to them fall much like a lover unable to offer more than its own four walls...
...But my needs do not reduce. If anything I find myself needing more. Much like the captain of my own small ship scanning the darkness hoping to find welcoming light of a beacon and a safe harbor to sail into. But here I am adrift despite floating on a calm, cold sea and I can see for miles. But everything of what I see is everything of what I've already known, and my progress is impeded... I am rallying myself to do what needs to be done. To seek guidance from those much wiser than myself and my years of talking to walls with no hopes of being heard. I must kill this silence in me before this silence can do more to tear me apart. Bravely walking to a new future where ghosts of the past won't be allowed to continue their haunting. And I must be uncomfortable, far outside my comfort zone to accomplish my task. For if I must trade one mask for another, I choose to put my brave face on...

...for all of this i must say something that i really love:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

And another favorite ...

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner

...the end...

Fears

In the words of Lucille Clifton

there is a girl inside
she is randy as a wolf
she will not walk away
and leave these bones
to an old woman.

She is a green tree
in a forest of kindling
she is a green girl
in a used poet.

She has waited
patient as a nun
for the second coming
when she can break through gray hairs into blossom.

And her lovers will harvest honey and thyme
and the woods will be wild
with the damn wonder of it.

without

..."One candle dont loose nothing if it kindles another candle"...

...Anonymous....

One thing surprised me, another person is reading my blogger and criticize how I write in English …this is good for me, is constructive, I will improve my English…and really this criticizes doesn’t bother me, actually reminds me what my grandmother said to me: if people speak about you this mean that you exist and you are not a common woman, this has to make you happy even if they speak about you with bad words…so thank you for your comments, anonymous man or woman…

….last night I had a depressive moment, I just listen music( my old tape with Marc Antony) and cried…I remembered that I lost the only man I have ever loved, the only man that made me fly, that made my hart burned in big flames…and now I am so alone…
…Formerly I said to a colleague of mine that our happiness wont have to be based on men…that we can be happy with or without them, but now I have to say this is not true, this was totally wrong…I need a man beside me to love me, to treat me kind, but above this is my need to love, to give what is best in me for him, to have again the feeling that he is the most important person in the whole world…
…maybe I have to blame spring for my behavior or…I don’t know who or what…or maybe is just me…
…for the Easter period I received an invitation to go in Italy, I don’t know what to do…I don’t know how many free days I will have…I just don’t know…I have to think twice on this problem….

...another monday day...

....Home was great with my parents...my nephew made five years old and we celebrate his birthday,he was so happy and so were we...for me this days were great,full of love,happiness and good time for my soul...i take my exam,so i have two things to feel great...

...Home...

....today i had an exam...I am happy, i did the best i can and I think it will be just fine, i will take my diploma and I will have another calification: labour protection person....it is good for my Career and for my spirit...a new weekend will come, i hope to spend it with my family at my home...i think tomorrow after my exam will pass and after my work hour, i will take the train and go home to my parents...i need this...i need to put order in my life, in my thoughts....

...Doubts...

Saturday night I were mounting the stairs to the flat I am staying alone for a year… my legs hurt me very bad, because other shoes I wear past days doesn’t feat right. I were coming home after a night spent with a man I hadn’t seen for a long time, his phone surprised me, in a good way…the night begun well…he looked very well and his behavior was lovely, like a real gentleman… he present me his new car and he droved me in the city, he want us to go in M.C (a club with live music)…we arrived there too early, so he invited me to eat something, so we go to eat pizza in A.C, I didn’t want, it were to late for me to eat…because we left the car to far we decided to walk until there, the weather was excellent, we laugh very much, we talk, we kiss… After a wile we decided to return to M.C, there we didn’t find any empty sits, so we decided to go in another place, we didn’t know where so he took me about the car for a long time in the city…and finally we decided to go in D…There us staid for short time because he go outside of the bar to speak on the phone, and when he came back he was more dead than alive, I asked him what happened but he responded me that he doesn’t want to speak about this, and that for him are bad news. For that moment nothing was the same, he changed completely, with 360 degrees… I tried to do something to make him feel better but everything was in vane, the rest of the night was lost. I tried to understand him, but I think I didn’t deserve this treatment, no matter the reasons were, but this is life…
…and when I were mounting the stairs I thought that I never did something out of commune(extravagant) like to walk with empty foots when I feel pain in my legs, or to sing and dance in the rain (even if the rain was in the summer) or other things…I always were a person that think too munch before doing a thing, to serious, I realized I never knew to join my life, to appreciate every moment , every person beside me…I NEVER KNEW TO LIVE MY LIFE AS IT WERE THE LAST MOMENT…
I need to change, I need something or someone new in my life that can show me I can spend (join) my life in different ways…

Changes....

Seems that i have to write in english what i have to say....today on blogger i found a man that in his photo has a mask..like a dragon...this remind me of my dragon friend,a very nice person...this man on the blogger is such a crazy man...i like him...and i hope we can write eachother...
english is an international language, so i have to write in english,maybe like this this man will write me....

Teama...

astazi am aflat ceva care ma sperie...care ma face sa ma gandesc la existenta mea...este posibil sa nu iau salariul...un fior rece imi strabate sira spinarii...ce fac eu?...ce fac cu chiria, cu toate lucrurile de care am nevoie sa traiesc,cum imi achit datoriile la stat?...intrebari grele...fara raspuns...ma rog ca toate aceste intrebari sa dispara cat mai repede,sa se rezolve problemele si sa-mi dea salariul,pentru ca altfel nu stiu ce am sa fac...

Stiu ca astazi am iesit un pic din tipar,am scris despre mine si nu despre viata,asa cum fac de obicei...imi pare rau ca sylvia nu a mai dat nici un semn de viata,mi-ar fi placut sa legam o prietenie frumoasa...

Am mult de invatat pentru examenul de saptamana viitoare,si sper sa reusesc sa-l trec cu bine, astazi am muncit mult la referatul pe care trebuie sa-l fac si ma simt cam obosita,dar nu ma plang...trec ele toate...am crezut si am sperat mereu, nu se poate sa ma lasi tocmai acum...stiu ca Ai grija de mine...

...Rautate....

Astazi am fost la la o manastire...desi cred foarte mult in Dumnezeu nu prea stiu eu randuielile bisericesti,stiu ce este mai important :sa ai frica de Dumnezeu si sa faci cat mai mult bine,si oricum fiecare biserica are randuielile ei...asa ca inarmata cu o lumanare si un acatist am inceput sa intreb niste femei unde pot sa-l pun...atat mi-a trebuit,pe langa ca ma priveau ca pe cineva plin de bube sau cine stie ce alta boala,nici nu s-au sinchisit sa-mi raspunda... este casa Domnului,in care intrii cu ganduri bune cu suflet curat, ma intreb de ce mai intra daca pana si acolo sunt rai...am plecat foarte suparata si dezamagita, mai rau decat intrasem, si am realizat inca o data cat de rai sunt cei din jur...nu ceream nimic, decat o simpla si banala informatie...intram sa cerem, dar niciodata nu facem nimic sa rasplatim ceea ce ni se ofera in fiecare zi, se uita de dragoste, de afectiune, de un cuvant bun,frumos...totul se rezuma la bani, cat de multi avem, cati poti sa oferi...sunt pur si simplu dezgustata...sa intrii in casa Domnului, sa te arunci pe jos in rugaciuni, sa faci totul din fatarnicie?...de ce?...cand ai putea sa te rogi frumos, fara sa ti se simta prezenta, sa multumesti, sa ceri, sa speri, apoi sa pleci cu sufletul curat si cu dorinta de a face bine si de a nu mai repeta greselile facute pana atunci fata de cei din jur, sa te uiti le cel de langa tine gandul de a-l ajuta daca are nevoie, nu sa vrei sa profiti de el...
....si cum incercam sa ma rog neocupand prea mult loc, mai mai sa nu ma calce pe si sa ma loveasca o femeie care incerca sa pupe o icoana, nici nu am vrut sa o privesc de frica sa nu cumva sa gandesc rau...repet aceste cuvinte ori de cate ori am ocazia:daca am fi putin mai buni cu cel de langa noi, ne-ar fi tuturor atat de bine, ne distrugem singuri, unul pe altul...cand am putea sa avem atata fericire si liniste...
...stiam ca exista atata rautate dar nu m-am gandit ca poate merge atat de departe...
Imi plac aceste cuvinte la nebunie...de aceea trebuie sa le asez si aici:
Octavian Paler - Paradoxul vremurilor noastre Paradoxul vremurilor noastre in istorie este ca avem cladiri mai mari,dar suflete mai mici; autostrazi mai largi,dar minti mai inguste. Cheltuim mai mult, dar avem mai putin; cumparam mai mult, dar ne bucuram mai putin. Avem case mai mari, dar familii mai mici, Avem mai multe accesorii, dar mai putin timp; avem mai multe functii, dar mai putina minte, mai multe cunostinte, dar mai putina judecata; mai multi experti si totusi mai multe probleme, mai multa medicina, dar mai putina sanatate. Bem prea mult, fumam prea mult, cheltuim prea nesabuit, radem prea putin, conducem prea repede, ne enervam prea tare, ne culcam prea tarziu, ne sculam prea obositi, citim prea putin, ne uitam prea mult la televizor si ne rugam prea rar. Ne-am multiplicat averile, dar ne-am redus valorile. Vorbim prea mult, iubim prea rar si uram prea des. Am invatat cum sa ne castigam existenta, dar nu cum sa ne facem o viata. Am adaugat ani vietii si nu viata anilor. Am ajuns pana la luna si inapoi dar avem probleme cand trebuie sa traversam strada sa facem cunostinta cu un vecin. Am cucerit spatiul cosmic, dar nu si pe cel interior. Am facut lucruri mai mari, dar nu mai bune. Am curatataerul, dar am poluat solul. Am cucerit atomul, dar nu si prejudecatile noastre. Scriem mai mult, dar invatam mai putin. Planuim mai multe, dar realizam mai putine. Am invatat sa ne grabim, dar nu si sa asteptam. Am construit mai multe calculatoare: sa detina mai multe informatii, sa produca mai multe copii ca niciodata, dar comunicam din ce in ce mai putin. Acestea sunt vremurile fast-food-urilor si digestiei incete; oamenilor mari si caracterelor meschine; profiturilor rapide si relatiilor superficiale. Acestea sunt vremurile in care avem doua venituri, dar mai multe divorturi, case mai frumoase, dar camine destramate. Acestea sunt vremurile in care avem excursii rapide, scutece de unica folosinta, moralitate de doi bani, aventuri de-o noapte, corpuri supraponderale si pastile care iti induc orice stare de la bucurie la liniste si la moarte. Sunt niste vremuri in care sunt prea multe vitrine, dar nimic in interior. Vremuri in care tehnologia iti poate aduce aceasta scrisoare si in care poti decide fie sa impartasesti acest punct de vedere, fie sa stergi acest mesaj. Aminteste-ti sa-ti petreci timp cu persoanele iubite, pentru ca nu vor fi langa tine o eternitate. Aminteste-ti sa spui o vorba buna copilului care te venereaza, pentru ca acel copil va creste curand si va pleca de langa tine. Aminteste-ti sa-l imbratisezi cu dragoste pe cel de langa tine pentru ca aceasta este singura comoara pe care o poti oferi cu inima si nu te costa nimic. Aminteste-ti sa spui "TE IUBESC" partenerului si persoanelor pe care le indragesti, dar mai ales sa o spui din inima. O sarutare si o imbratisare vor alina durerea atunci cand sunt sincere. Aminteste-ti sa-i tii pe cei dragi de mana si sa pretuiesti acel moment pentru ca intr-o zi acea persoana nu va mai fi langa tine. Fa-ti timp sa iubesti, fa-ti timp sa vorbesti, fa-ti timp sa impartasesti gandurile pretioase pe care le ai.
...si aceste cuvinte sunt minunate:
Emma Bombeck Daca mi-as putea trai din nou viata... “...M-as fi culcat sa ma odihnesc atunci cind ma simteam rau, in loc sa pretind ca pamintul se va opri daca eu nu voi fi la datorie pentru o zi....As fi ars luminarea roz sculptata ca un trandafir in loc sa o las sa se topeasca in camara ....As fi vorbit mai putin si as fi ascultat mai mult ....As fi invitat prieteni la masa chiar daca e o pata pe covor si canapeaua trebuie stearsa....As fi mincat pop-corn in camera "buna" si nu mi-as mai fi facut atitea griji din cauza prafului cind cineva vroia sa aprinda focul in semineu ....Mi-as fi facut timp sa-l ascult pe bunicul povestind din tineretile lui....N-as fi insistat niciodata sa mergem cu geamurile masinii inchise intr-o zi frumoasa de vara doar pentru ca parul meu a fost proaspat coafat si fixat....As fi stat intinsa pe pajiste cu toate petele de iarba....As fi plans si ras mai putin privind televizorul si mai mult privind viata....Dar, cel mai mult, sa am o a doua sansa de la viata, as pretui fiecare moment, l-as privi cu adevarat...l-as trai......Nu m-as mai agita atit de mult pentru lucruri meschine si marunte....Nu va faceti griji din cauza celor care nu va simpatizeaza, sau mai mult, cine ce face....In schimb, sa pretuim prietenii pe care ii avem si oamenii care ne iubesc....Sa ne gindim la lucrurile cu care Dumnezeu ne-a binecuvintat....Si la ceea ce facem in fiecare zi sa ne imbunatatim mintea, trupul,sufletul, emotiile.”
...mult adevar si putin realizam din ele in fiecare zi...

...Flacari...

Aseara am ascultat noua melodie a celor de la VH2-"Departe de noi",superba piesa,frumos spus: Iubirile trec, amintirile raman...Aseara am plans, a trecut mult timp decand nu am mai plans...
...Rautatea celor din jur este de nedescris, oamenii uita de unde au plecat,valorile morale au inceput sa piarda in fata ipocriziei,a pozitiei pe scara ierarhica,a banilor,a indecentei,a lucrurilor atat de lumesti...o data cineva mi-a zis: traieste tu pentru viata de apoi, ca eu traiesc pentru asta...Poate ca avea dreptate,ca nu s-a intors nimeni de acolo sa spuna cum este...si totusi sa traiesti asa fara nici o regula,fara nici o urma de decenta...Cea mai mare arta este aceea ca indiferent ce ti se intampla in viata, sa stii sa ramai om...
Banii... un singur cuvant ascunde atatea lucruri rele,atatea pacate adunate in el: tradare, minciuna, furt, ura, dependenta...pun semnul egal si scriu DECADENTA...
...nu incetam niciodata sa vrem ce are cel de langa noi: bani, lucruri, chiar si persoane...de ce intotdeauna ce are cel de langa tine pare a fi mai bun?...pana la urma asa este firea umana, sa tanjeasca,sa vrea si cred ca n-ar fi o problema sa se ramana la acest stadiu de a gandi...grav este atunci cand prin orice imprejurari vrei sa si iei ce are cel de langa tine, atunci se fura, si mai grav este cand vrei sa furi persoana de langa celalalt, atuci se atinge apogeul rautatii...pentru ca pedeapsa nu exista decat de la Dumnezeu...daca furi legea te face sa platesti, daca distrugi relatia dintre doi oameni nu exista nici o lege pentru asta...mai ales ca nici macar constiinta nu mai exista...si totusi pedeapsa divina este mai presus de orice alta lege sau pedeapsa...

De cativa ani incoace sta langa mine un barbat care in fiecare zi imi demonstreaza cat de mult ma iubeste, care este langa mine in toate momentele grele, care ma sprijina neconditionat...cu rusine recunosc ca nu m-am purtat cu el asa cum ar fi meritat...cineva spunea ca iubirea este de doua feluri: cea care vine cu fiori in stomac, care arde in flacari se consuma si se termina la fel cum a inceput si pe care doar cei nesabuiti o cauta si o vor; si cea care vine treptat, care se bazeaza pe prietenie, respect, care arde mocnit si nu se consuma, nu se termina si pe care toti ceilalti(cu exceptia nesabuitilor) o cauta, o doresc...eu cred ca intru in prima categorie si nu-mi explic de ce, poate ca-mi place sa traiesc viata la maxim, desi nu am practicat niciodata relatiile de tipul "one night stand" si nici cele in care partea materiala sa primeze...poate ca-mi place sa ard intens, sa ma sting pentru ca apoi flacara sa izbucneasca mai intens ca prima data...

Vino la mine!

...timpul se indreapta cu pasi repezi spre viitor,uneori am impresia ca mult prea repede,imi da senzatia ca nu mai fac intr-o zi tot ceea ce mi-as dori...in jurnalul meu de acasa incep sa scriu si las frazele neteminate,filele albe,parca nu a-si mai avea timp,parca mi-ar fugi inspiratia...desi garsoniera mea este singurul loc in care ma regasesc,in care ma simt bine,am ajuns totusi sa strig catre el,un necunoscut...Vino la mine!...vreau sa ma indragostesc,vreau sa iubesc si sa fiu iubita in acelasi timp,la extrem,vreau sa simt ca traiesc din nou,vreau sa ies din monotonia care s-a asezat peste viata mea...
Niciodata nu am fost inconjurata de prieteni pentru ca sunt rari cei adevarati si de cate ori am incercat sa-mi fac,toti s-au dovedit ca-si urmareau doar interesul...vreau un grup cu care sa facem nebuniile varstei,sa simt ca viata nu trece pe langa mine ci prin mine...
Ascult Cd-ul cu muzica de dragoste al unei colege si-mi aduc aminte de I,cel langa care am simtit ca traiesc,si desi am suferit am fost si fericita,pentru ca am iubit la extrem...nu-mi pare rau...
...Vino la mine!,lasa-ma sa te iubesc,sa-ti daruiesc fiecare clipa a existentei mele,sa zburam spre infinitele culori ale curcubeului fericirii si inlantuiti sa ramanem pana la ultima suflare...
...Sunt ca o cetate greu de cucerit,si totusi imi doresc un locuitor,unul care sa ma faca mai frumoasa,sa aiba grija sa nu ajung in ruina....

Nemultumiri

...tot timpul exista...niciodata nu putem sa fim pe deplin multumiti...si cu toate astea a trecut ceva timp de cand nu mi-am mai gasit linistea interioara...
Weekend-ul care tocmai a trecut am fost la o nunta...doua persoane trecute peste 40 ani au hotarat sa-si uneasca din nou destinele,fiecare avusesera familie si copii,copii care acum au la randul lor copii...si ma gandeam cat curaj si cata hotarare...desi pentru mine ar fi timpul sa-mi intemeiez o famile (timpul pe care altii il vad firesc),nu as putea face asta,cel putin nu sunt inca pregatita pentru asta...O veste care m-a tulburat din nou :o fosta colega de facultate este insarcinata...si din nou acel mare apel si mare semn de intrebare..unde se grabesc?...apoi ma ganedesc ca fiecare stie ce este mai bine pentru el...si din nou raspunsul pentru mine...eu n-as putea sa fac asta,unii ar numi-o egoism,eu spun doar ca nu sunt pregatita,nu asi avea rabdarea necesara pentru asta.
La nunta,dupa obiceiurile noastre,cand i-a dat voalul din cap miresei pentru a-i pune baticul de femeie maritata,trebuie ca voalul sa fie pus pe capul unei tinere nemaritate,intamplarea a facut sa fiu singura nemaritata..asa ca m-am trezit cu voalul de mireasa pe cap...l-am simtit ca o povara,desi este foarte usor,il simteam ca si cum ar fi avut cateva kilograme...am mai primit si buchetul miresei cu urarile de rigoare :sa fie intr-un ceas bun,anul asta sa-l dai pe al ta mai departe...prostii...mie imi venea sa urlu si daca n-ar fi fost atat de multa lume a-si fi fugit cat ma tineau picioarele...urasc chestia asta...
...si uite asa ....nemultumirile vin din singuratate,din cauza serviciului(care nu-mi pune calitatile in valoare,care nu-mi permite sa ma afirm) care desi este relativ bine platit nu-mi implineste sufletul,imi doresc sa-l schimb...si am sa o fac...imi spun in fiecare zi ca trebuie sa schimb ceva...